It's not me you're waiting for

Large.

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 03:42:55 GMT

So basically. Over the course of the past few days, it's been decided that Jeff is coming to live with me. Background information on this?

1.) A few months ago I brought the idea up to him; he wasn't interested. Thought it would be a step backwards.

2.) A few DAYS ago, I brought up to him, on a completely different conversation topic, that I am not necessarily happy like this. That I sometimes get really down, and hopeless. Now... I wouldn't necessarily (and didn't say) depressed, because it's not constant. Depression is a long-term, constant condition, which I am not in. I'm just generally not happy. After this conversation, it sparked him into saying that he needs to come here, because he is sick of being without me and he doesn't want me to be unhappy.

3.) The same night as #2, he had a talk with Lizzie after I signed off, and basically she introduced to him the idea that his being stagnant is what's leading him to being sad, unmotivated, and stuck. Gave him ideas about moving here and why it's good, how it will liberate him, force him to be responsible instead of sitting around, and all at once be able to be with me, where we can work on this all together instead of alone and separate. This led him to being "sure" that he wanted to come here.

4.) The next day, he told his parents and got it cleared with them. The dad even offered to fly him here and get his car here so he can save the money he has.

Now. Since these things have happened. He's been talking about how excited he is, and then randomly bringing up excuses. Initially he said "a month or less" which made me ecstatic beyond belief. Then, it changed to him getting his license BEFORE he comes here. And he's had a car since before school let out for summer, and still to this day has made no moves whatsoever to get his license. Which means him getting it before he comes here would just take even longer because he's lazy, scared, uninspired, whatever. Then I pushed him into getting it AFTER he comes here, against my better judgement, because it makes more sense. If he got it in WA and then came here, he'd just have to take the test again, pay again, and have to get the new license within ten days anyway. It'd be a waste. BUT. In pushing him ever so slightly to make this decision, changing his mind for him, maybe maybe just induced more fears in him. Because now...

Now. I've been conversing with his mom and she's cool with it. The dad's cool with it. They aren't TOTALLY for it, but they understand my points and his, and think it will definitely be a push into adulthood for him since he is not doing ANYTHING at this point, for us, his future, or otherwise. Everything gets taken care of for him, at his house. And so. Today I bring up the fact of rent here. Mind you, he already knew he'd be paying rent, and he knew how much because he assumed it would be the same as me, which is correct. But as soon as I bring it up, the attitude comes back. The unsuredness that he is so known for. Now, "California is fucking expensive" and "I don't know how I will ever be able to go to school" (even though I basically showed him and told him everything about how to get grants, which is what everyone does) and "How will you ever be able to leave with things being so expensive?"

So he's fucking flaking, yet again. Now, I ask him what he thinks. And no longer does he say that in a month or less we'll be hanging out and working together and sleeping in the same bed. Now, he says, "I'll need to think about it."

I'm fucking done, I am so done. This hurts too much. And what am I going to do? Fuck if I know. But if his parents can't push him, the pure facts can't push him, and most of all, of I, of all people and things cannot push him into being a man... Well. Fuck. We're done, it's done. Almost a year of a beautiful friendship and relationship and plans and fun and amazingness down the fucking drain. It's fucking done.

For now, he's going to "Hundin's house" (earlier today he mentioned it would be the last time he'd see him since he's moving here, now I am sure he's going there just to chill because his fucking pussy ass isn't going anywhere else) and he said simply, "I'll talk to you tomorrow" even though we both know damn well that he'll be online there as well and we COULD talk this through more. But nope. Talk to you tomorrow. Fuck it.

I signed off without saying anything other than "have fun tonight" and here I am. I'm pissed, I am hurt, I am rejected, and I am utterly done. It's bitch mode time, because I am fucking sick and tired of loving the hell out of this boy and getting promises and the same lousy words and no fucking action.

The way I see it. He can come here, be with me, have an actual life and we can get shit done. Or. He can stay there, do nothing, fucking see that bitch ass bitch whore Samantha who keeps barging in and sleeping in his bed, and fucking have a great little ghost town life being absolutely miserable.

I'm done. I can't. Does anyone understand?

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 18:09:10 GMT

I'm having a really hard time feeling faith, in anything lately. I feel like anything and everything I planned has lost all its appeal, and now I don't know what I want. I don't feel like the boy is into this enough. I know how much he cares, and I know that he doesn't like being apart. But that's about as far as it goes for now. I don't see any movement towards anything better. I know if this could work, it would fix a lot of my problems, I just don't see it happening and I don't know what to do to get there (physically and figuratively speaking).

I am having a hard time feeling clean, open, beautiful, fresh, new, myself. Anything comfortable or stable is gone, now I just don't know. And reading over this, none of it makes sense. I just don't know what to say anymore. I don't feel any drive. I don't have anything that I want or need and I don't even know what it would be in the first place.

Acting out of character feels like a good rebellion until you remember how out of character you really were, and then it just feels fucking wrong.

I traveled though the atmosphere as a wall of feedback climbed
The pegs were gold, the band was old, they played in half time
Now every dream gets whittled down just like every fool gets wise
You will never reap of any seed deprived of sunlight

So I have become the Middleman
The gray areas are mine
The in-between, the absentee
Is a beautiful disguise

So I keep my footlights shining bright just like I keep my exits wide
'Cause I never know when it's time to go, it's too crowded now inside
The dead can hide beneath the ground and the birds can always fly
But the rest of us do what we must in constant compromise

So I have become the Middleman
The gray areas are fine
The "I don't know," the "maybe so"
Is the only real reply
It is the only true reply

What kind of fuckery is this?

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 21:37:26 GMT

He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to.....

I go back to us

I love you much
It's not enough
You love blow and I love puff
And life is like a pipe
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside

We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to

Black, black, black, black, black, black, black,
I go back to
I go back to

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to black

SONGS I CAN'T STOP LISTENING TO:

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 01:53:01 GMT

Qwel: "Pinnochio Syndrome" (http://youtube.com/watch?v=QqrAjIzZNuQ)
Qwel & Maker: "Road Atlas" (http://youtube.com/watch?v=K-2F3KkgwaA)

Sage Francis: "Escape Artist" (http://youtube.com/watch?v=sJ7w-z4BvMo)
Sage Francis: "Sun Vs Moon"
Sage Francis: "Agony In Her Body"
Sage Francis: "Bridle"

♥
Opposite Ends: "Land Of Opportunity" (http://www.myspace.com/oe13)
Opposite Ends: "Snow On The Beach" (http://www.myspace.com/oe13)
Opposite Ends: "Wait" (http://www.myspace.com/oe13)
♥

Go listen to Opposite Ends and show the love. They are amazing.

Midtown <3

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 18:53:31 GMT

Is it me, is it true?
Every word I utter, a lie,
gives life this conversation; it dies.
The hope that's in your eyes,
is it worthless?
Yeah, so are you.

You've been dreaming,
I've been screaming.
I wake up with nothing
but false salvation,
lost translations.
I leave you with nothing at all...

Is it me, is it true?
Every word I utter, a lie,
gives life this conversation; it dies.
The hope that's in your eyes
is it worthless?
Yeah, so are you.

Sex is old, old and boring.
When you're feeling nothing,
something's gotta make you feel.

Well, I listen to you,
but your words don't make a sound.
And if nothing is true,
we can build our own world...

Is it me, is it true?
Every word I utter, a lie.

Is it me, is it true?
(every word I utter, a lie)

Worthless, yeah, so are you.

The lovely and talented Gabe...

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 03:57:17 GMT

Having dreams about Gabe Saporta makes my day epic.

I love Midtown & Cobra Starship.
♥

Strange, the way I'm acting so alone

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 04:35:31 GMT

From birth we are conditioned to need attention. Little babies getting adored and kissed, cooed over and "Oh, isn't she an angel?" And then 5-6 year olds running up to Mommy and Daddy with macaroni necklaces, learning to say, "Look what I made ALL by MYSELF!". Then school, children and teens demanding attention through lies and appearances that are drastic and obnoxious all just for the pure, raw attention it attracts. Somewhere between here and death, something settles, for some people I assume, where they don't need it. They don't want it, and they hate having it. Maybe it doesn't happen to everyone, I am sure some people will go through their whole lives striving for attention, and wanting all of it. Personally I could do without it. I've never been known to take compliments well, I never know what to say to people who like something about me. And I hate that I do/have get a lot of attention from a lot of people, I still don't get why I do. To me, I am annoying and awkward and I'd rather stay away from myself sometimes, if I could. And being pretty is pretty useless. But I do desire attention from some people, and almost thrive on it, sometimes. This worries me, scares me, and most of all, hurts me.

I end up wanting more than I can have. I start translating, "Oh, you're amazing" into "I would do whatever it takes to experience you." And maybe that's okay, with him. Maybe that's what he means. Lord knows he has said both of those things to me more than once. And unlike with a lot of other people, I appreciate his attention, I am grateful to have it and I consider myself lucky. Imagining thinking these things about HIM and getting none of it in return, I have no clue what I would do. It's sad to say I have become dependent again, but I don't regret it. People have told me this will make me stronger, and I sure as hell hope so. Or else, if this goes on forever, well... I don't think I could last long.

I've made so many leaps of faith in my life. Made so many close escapes from holes I could barely dig myself out of. And as dramatic as it sounds, defied death more than once. I've drugged myself up til I was talking and had no clue what I was saying, just words I knew coming out in random order, making me even more confused. I've fallen so hard for people that I could not get up for weeks, figuratively and literally. I've put myself in positions that no smart person would ever get into, even though I knew better, and just didn't care. I've had my heart broken and broken hearts, more than I can count on two hands. And after all this, all the drama and drugs and depression and desperation, I built myself anew, found a faith that truly showed me what I was meant to believe in til the end, and give me hope for the present. And this? None of this is important in this case, it's my shit past and it'll stay that way. For now, I have a faith that rarely helps me anymore and this breaks my heart. I don't know why. I forget to pray, forget to talk to God, forget to remember that someone is there with me in times when I feel like sleeping for weeks on end and I can barely get out of bed.

And I am questioning someone who has never made a leap of faith, never tested their limits and gotten close to the edge. And why they can't do it now, after all these years of safe seclusion. Is this selfish of me? Because I have led a disastrous, sometimes dangerous, stupid, and also beautiful, exciting life full of learning. And it's easy for me to say I'd take a leap, and just as easy for me to do it. But for someone who doesn't know what "new" tastes like? I'm questioning why they wouldn't do it, but it's not their fault they haven't lived a shitty life and made a bunch of wrong choices. I am glad he hasn't. I wouldn't want him to have to go through that. So am I selfish for asking him to change his world for me?

Admittedly I haven't changed mine, per se, for him. Yet. Not physically. But my mood has changed, my attitude, my social qualities, my energy, my thought flow, everything else has changed. I can't lie to people anymore, and I guess that is for the best, except when it hurts them. I can't do anything I don't want to do, even if it makes others unhappy. I have trouble holding my tongue because I don't see reasoning behind sugar-coating anything; we're all adults now and it's not like sugar-coating helps. And lord knows if anyone does it to me, it's still not enough to make me feel better, so what's it matter? Everything about me has changed for him, without me trying, except my geographical location. My friends think of me as temporary, my parents think of me as if I am about to disappear and never come back, and I don't even feel like this is a permanent thing, this life I am living now. But I know it will be for awhile, unless he takes this leap.

Because I will be around for quite some time if he doesn't, and I can't help that. It's money, it's my mother, it's work, it's responsibility. I have things to leave, if I do, and he doesn't for the time being. Just his family, who he hates. And I'm willing to leave this, because I want to start fresh, too. Doesn't everyone? But I can't yet, and well. I'm stuck like this for awhile, and so is he. Unless he leaps. Unless he jumps. Unless he changes.

But he won't, he's stuck in his mindset, logical to the fucking bone. Well I am too. But mine makes sense. I sound spiteful, angry. I'm not really. I'm frustrated, confused, heartbroken, and I don't know what to do other than push this option. But I won't. I won't talk about it. He keeps bringing it up and it breaks me down so bad, because the answer is always the same. "I can't." but he brings it up. He wants to talk about it, coz it's 'all that's on his mind', well fuck. Does he really think anything else is on my mind? How could he think that anything else clouds over this idea even in the slightest? I don't even know how, but this is the only thing I ever think about. When I am around anyone else, talking about anything else, doing anything unrelated, it doesn't matter. It's there. Everything I do is with him in mind. And he thinks that I don't think about it enough? It keeps me awake at night. It zones me out at work. It keeps me playing games from 5pm to 11pm just so I can forget how bad this fucking hurts me.

And now that he has no responsibilities, I find myself being left alone more and more. And I can't bring myself to do anything else, on the chance that he will come back a little early and I will get a few more hours with him. And I don't want to do anything else. I'm impatient as fuck, but devoted til the end. I guess it's a tragic flaw, dependable even if it tears me a new one. Which it has.

There's so much love and no one to give it to. Just so fucking much.

I am sick of this life. Honestly.

Hello.

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 06:59:49 GMT

I've been in a really bad mood the past couple of days, and sick. But I think things are going okay. Not really anything new to talk about other than a new laptop that I got for finally graduating! And Jeff is probably coming to visit soon :D so things are good. I hope he gets to come here, really really. And I need to pray for that, and for everything, because I haven't; my faith has kind of slipped from me as of late and that's all wrong.

But really I am tired, and glad I don't work tomorrow. I am wasting my time on Youtube for now and leveling on WoW and keeping life as simple as I can. Although most times it doesn't work. Hope you're all good...

PS.

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 17:51:28 GMT

Listen to Killola.
And listen to Lady Sovereign.

I used to obsess over living, now I only obsess over you

Sat, 19 May 2007 04:33:50 GMT

Weekends are slow and delicately irritating. I am looking forward to Sunday just because I can sleep in a little, and no one likes work so days off are nice.

Really life is not much right now. Wendie got me into Fall Out Boy again with her recent rendezvous with Mr. Wentz. Hahaha. Oh boy, I love Wendie, she's magical. Really. But their lyrics are good and guldernit. I can't help but love good lyrics.

Anddddd, well. I dunno. Melo is the place to be.

Have you heard the sky is falling?

Tue, 15 May 2007 15:08:13 GMT

I long to be touched, for once, by someone who means it.... Who came here alive.
All the world's a stage, and I have broke my leg, and it's a scary place to be...
Caught in the headlights like the animal I am.

I long to be shot out of my sensory and put out of my misery.

Reiteration

Tue, 08 May 2007 20:32:18 GMT

In addition to being the douchebag of the year, Mr. "How do I look? Do I look emo?", Andrew Bacon has deleted every Beatles song I had AND. AND. Fucking Drake Bell. I'm going to kill him. Fuck.

SCORE

Mon, 07 May 2007 16:27:47 GMT

I am exhausted as hell and didn't go to work, I'll go tomorrow instead since it was supposed to be my off-day. But dooood. I finally finally finally found "Down We Fall" to download. I'm juiced. I am going to go to sleep now. Ha.

I don't know why nobody told you how to unfold your love

Sun, 06 May 2007 18:48:26 GMT

I'm so happy with things right now. Things are tough but I am happy and The Boy really works wonders for my mood control. <3

HOLY CRAP.

Sat, 05 May 2007 04:50:41 GMT

Good heavens, July 14th is going to be one down-ass day.
Drake Bell, San Francisco. You know I am going without a doubt.

I'll take Momma, it'll be a birthday present. Haha. MAN, I WANT IT NOW.

Heavy

Sat, 05 May 2007 02:45:49 GMT

I'm so down with The Beatles today. Really.

SCORE, I got my Drake And Josh movie in the mail today. YOU KNOW IT'S NEVER LEAVING MY SIDE.

Lifeeeee.

Fri, 04 May 2007 05:34:28 GMT

I don't know what to think. I think things are going good, but I feel some pressure around the corner. I hope it all works out.

I like my new desk, I like my music, I like My Boy. I like a lot of stuff and I am trying to keep it that way. I can't lie though, I am looking forward to Sunday so I can sleep in just a little. I feel tired.

Time to bathe the doggie and go to sleep.
Goodnight <3

Over your shoulder; you know that I told you I'd always be picking you up when you're down...

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 17:56:55 GMT

I miss my boy.

Touché

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 06:23:34 GMT

So won't you tell me why it is that every corner of my head is a home, but every fool is the same? It would be tragic if you left me alone, but left me no one to blame. Well, don't it make you wonder what got us here? The covers that we're under could disappear... Promises keep us in chains, my dear.

Silly sidenote awkward moments that go unmentioned but seen aren't going to deter me. You'd better believe I am going to keep pushing until every word makes you happy. I have no choice and I like it that way, I'd rather give you every syllable my tongue can speak than end the night on a bad note. I don't even know what was going on in your head, but I know it's not worth a thing this time. There is never a reason to leave someone you love with bitter words, and I am glad I didn't let you :)

Say that I'm liking the company, more than your sympathy symphony

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 06:21:20 GMT

I have fallen in love with the music of Drake Bell, and I have fallen hard. This is going to be all I am listening to for the next several weeks, no doubt. It makes me happy, which I need. It's amazing, which is nice. And the lyrics are unexpectedly mind-blowing, not to mention he's a wonderful singer.

I also am not ashamed that Drake And Josh is my favorite show on television.

Today was a very fucking amazing day, and I am thankful.
Tomorrow is going to be nothing less, I know this.

Goodnight, you.

You can't see that I've been damaged without you

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 07:28:49 GMT

So I'm forgetting all the negativity I have settled into because I have to stick to the basics. I was getting too complicated.

The fact of the matter is, I found a boy with a heart as big as mine, and feet just as cold. He's beautiful when he's awake and sleeping. Our hands are practically identical to each other, which is very adorable for some reason. We have about a billion inside jokes that I couldn't even begin to list. We can eat a whole pizza just between the two of us, or a whole batch of pancakes in the morning, with peanut butter and syrup. And we eat until we're sick. We talk in accents most of the time, for no good reason at all. We start watching movies only to stop 10 minutes into it, focus on each other, and then wake up the next morning with the TV on wondering what the movie was about. We walk for 20 minutes to get to a huge abandoned field at night time and lay there, in the dead grass and sticks all over, waiting for the train to come by on the tracks about ten feet from our heads, and then get scared when it rides by unexpectedly. We sit out in the cold until we can't feel our hands, and then we share pockets and lips to warm each others'. We rub our feet on each other when they are cold. We watch Headbangers Ball for hours even though we complain about every shitty metal band they throw into it. Our hair is always in each others' faces. Our last names combined is Hillyoake. Handclaps are a huge part of our relationship, as is ramen, the Space Needle, and Nicholas Cage. We'd fall asleep on the couch every night, only to be woken up in the morning by one of his parents telling us to go to our own beds, but we'd never do it. We roll around on the living room floor laughing and listening/singing along to Fleetwood Mac for hours when we are supposed to be doing yardwork. We walked for an hour to buy frosting for a cake that everyone adored. We laid on a park bench and discussed the intricacies of YooHoo and graffiti. We each found little farewell letters in our hoodie pockets when we had to part. We still smell the clothes that remind us of one another. We say, "dood" more than any other word, in the accent of course. We watch Drake & Josh marathons for as long as we can. We also watch old people movies starring Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. We laughed about Keanu Reeves for a good ten minutes. I took him to the Mexican market for the first time in his life and taught him about the best cookies to buy, and to watch out for the ones with too much coconut. We were staplegunned to each other for the entire time we had together.

This is what I have to do without, you see?
I'm going to be okay. I'm going to get it back when I can.

I just wanted you to know. Because I haven't gone into many details to some of you.

I am exhausted and off to bed. Tomorrow is my day off and I plan to make it a positive one. I am going to pray tonight and make things better. Get some good vibes from whatever I can and start being a little more optimistic. No more worrying. No more lack of trust. There's no reason for it.

Take me home, tuck me in.

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 23:54:11 GMT

Basically today was a good day. Saturdays always calm me down a bit from the rest of the week, even though I work. It's quiet and usually I can just be by myself and not have to make anyone mad at me. But I am still stressed about many things, I don't know if it's rational or not.

Today is my dad's birthday and I am still dreading calling him. I am supposed to hang out with him tomorrow and I think I am buying him lunch for a birthday gift, which doesn't make me happy since it's money I could be saving, but I know it's the right thing to do. Then next week is William's birthday dinner, which I also don't want to spend money on, but I am going to because he came to mine and he deserves it. And then my WoW subscription which is a necessary thirty dollars to spend because it is one of two things that keeps me sane, and the other is always there anyhow, so it's necessary as hell.

Anddddd, I don't know. I am just so anxious I don't know what to do with myself most days. More like every day, really. I just want to stop this cycle of me hurting people every single day. Every day I make my mother cry, basically. Every day I know my dad is still mad at me for many things. Every day I still have not finished basic life needs and every day I am still wanting to leave more than anything else. Distance sucks, yeah? Distance and not knowing how you became so heartless and not willing to make an effort for people like you used to, and yet being completely content with that.

I think I am just worn out from putting so much into things that don't matter. Giving all I've got in vain, and wearing myself thin for no good godamn reason.

But seriously. I am happy. I just feel like it's kind of underneath a whole lot of things and I won't really feel it until I can fix all these things. I want to start life. I want to stop feeling like I hate life just because I can't do what I want with it yet. Come 2,000-3,000 dollars in my pocket I am so out. Really. I'm like 1/3 of the way there.

Essentially

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 00:16:01 GMT

My life in a nutshell now?

I'm moving to Washington within a few months.

I don't know how to talk to my mother anymore because I always make her cry somehow.

I'd rather not talk to anyone anymore most times.

I'm very moody.

But one person can always make me happy.
It's too bad distance is an issue.
Really.

I think

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 07:01:30 GMT

I am coming back here. I miss it here.

Oz

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 23:02:44 GMT

"Jesus knew in his heart, it takes a lot to love a sinner. But the sinner needs it all the more."