| Large. |
[20 Jul 2007|08:24pm] |
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mood |
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The worst. |
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music |
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Amy Winehouse: Wake Up Alone |
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So basically. Over the course of the past few days, it's been decided that Jeff is coming to live with me. Background information on this?
1.) A few months ago I brought the idea up to him; he wasn't interested. Thought it would be a step backwards.
2.) A few DAYS ago, I brought up to him, on a completely different conversation topic, that I am not necessarily happy like this. That I sometimes get really down, and hopeless. Now... I wouldn't necessarily (and didn't say) depressed, because it's not constant. Depression is a long-term, constant condition, which I am not in. I'm just generally not happy. After this conversation, it sparked him into saying that he needs to come here, because he is sick of being without me and he doesn't want me to be unhappy.
3.) The same night as #2, he had a talk with Lizzie after I signed off, and basically she introduced to him the idea that his being stagnant is what's leading him to being sad, unmotivated, and stuck. Gave him ideas about moving here and why it's good, how it will liberate him, force him to be responsible instead of sitting around, and all at once be able to be with me, where we can work on this all together instead of alone and separate. This led him to being "sure" that he wanted to come here.
4.) The next day, he told his parents and got it cleared with them. The dad even offered to fly him here and get his car here so he can save the money he has.
Now. Since these things have happened. He's been talking about how excited he is, and then randomly bringing up excuses. Initially he said "a month or less" which made me ecstatic beyond belief. Then, it changed to him getting his license BEFORE he comes here. And he's had a car since before school let out for summer, and still to this day has made no moves whatsoever to get his license. Which means him getting it before he comes here would just take even longer because he's lazy, scared, uninspired, whatever. Then I pushed him into getting it AFTER he comes here, against my better judgement, because it makes more sense. If he got it in WA and then came here, he'd just have to take the test again, pay again, and have to get the new license within ten days anyway. It'd be a waste. BUT. In pushing him ever so slightly to make this decision, changing his mind for him, maybe maybe just induced more fears in him. Because now...
Now. I've been conversing with his mom and she's cool with it. The dad's cool with it. They aren't TOTALLY for it, but they understand my points and his, and think it will definitely be a push into adulthood for him since he is not doing ANYTHING at this point, for us, his future, or otherwise. Everything gets taken care of for him, at his house. And so. Today I bring up the fact of rent here. Mind you, he already knew he'd be paying rent, and he knew how much because he assumed it would be the same as me, which is correct. But as soon as I bring it up, the attitude comes back. The unsuredness that he is so known for. Now, "California is fucking expensive" and "I don't know how I will ever be able to go to school" (even though I basically showed him and told him everything about how to get grants, which is what everyone does) and "How will you ever be able to leave with things being so expensive?"
So he's fucking flaking, yet again. Now, I ask him what he thinks. And no longer does he say that in a month or less we'll be hanging out and working together and sleeping in the same bed. Now, he says, "I'll need to think about it."
I'm fucking done, I am so done. This hurts too much. And what am I going to do? Fuck if I know. But if his parents can't push him, the pure facts can't push him, and most of all, of I, of all people and things cannot push him into being a man... Well. Fuck. We're done, it's done. Almost a year of a beautiful friendship and relationship and plans and fun and amazingness down the fucking drain. It's fucking done.
For now, he's going to "Hundin's house" (earlier today he mentioned it would be the last time he'd see him since he's moving here, now I am sure he's going there just to chill because his fucking pussy ass isn't going anywhere else) and he said simply, "I'll talk to you tomorrow" even though we both know damn well that he'll be online there as well and we COULD talk this through more. But nope. Talk to you tomorrow. Fuck it.
I signed off without saying anything other than "have fun tonight" and here I am. I'm pissed, I am hurt, I am rejected, and I am utterly done. It's bitch mode time, because I am fucking sick and tired of loving the hell out of this boy and getting promises and the same lousy words and no fucking action.
The way I see it. He can come here, be with me, have an actual life and we can get shit done. Or. He can stay there, do nothing, fucking see that bitch ass bitch whore Samantha who keeps barging in and sleeping in his bed, and fucking have a great little ghost town life being absolutely miserable.
I'm done. I can't. Does anyone understand?
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[08 Jul 2007|11:06am] |
I'm having a really hard time feeling faith, in anything lately. I feel like anything and everything I planned has lost all its appeal, and now I don't know what I want. I don't feel like the boy is into this enough. I know how much he cares, and I know that he doesn't like being apart. But that's about as far as it goes for now. I don't see any movement towards anything better. I know if this could work, it would fix a lot of my problems, I just don't see it happening and I don't know what to do to get there (physically and figuratively speaking).
I am having a hard time feeling clean, open, beautiful, fresh, new, myself. Anything comfortable or stable is gone, now I just don't know. And reading over this, none of it makes sense. I just don't know what to say anymore. I don't feel any drive. I don't have anything that I want or need and I don't even know what it would be in the first place.
Acting out of character feels like a good rebellion until you remember how out of character you really were, and then it just feels fucking wrong.
I traveled though the atmosphere as a wall of feedback climbed
The pegs were gold, the band was old, they played in half time
Now every dream gets whittled down just like every fool gets wise
You will never reap of any seed deprived of sunlight
So I have become the Middleman
The gray areas are mine
The in-between, the absentee
Is a beautiful disguise
So I keep my footlights shining bright just like I keep my exits wide
'Cause I never know when it's time to go, it's too crowded now inside
The dead can hide beneath the ground and the birds can always fly
But the rest of us do what we must in constant compromise
So I have become the Middleman
The gray areas are fine
The "I don't know," the "maybe so"
Is the only real reply
It is the only true reply
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| What kind of fuckery is this? |
[04 Jul 2007|02:36pm] |
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music |
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Amy Winehouse: Back To Black |
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He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black
We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to.....
I go back to us
I love you much
It's not enough
You love blow and I love puff
And life is like a pipe
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
Black, black, black, black, black, black, black,
I go back to
I go back to
We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to black
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| Midtown <3 |
[19 Jun 2007|11:50am] |
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music |
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Midtown: Is It Me? Is It True? |
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Is it me, is it true?
Every word I utter, a lie,
gives life this conversation; it dies.
The hope that's in your eyes,
is it worthless?
Yeah, so are you.
You've been dreaming,
I've been screaming.
I wake up with nothing
but false salvation,
lost translations.
I leave you with nothing at all...
Is it me, is it true?
Every word I utter, a lie,
gives life this conversation; it dies.
The hope that's in your eyes
is it worthless?
Yeah, so are you.
Sex is old, old and boring.
When you're feeling nothing,
something's gotta make you feel.
Well, I listen to you,
but your words don't make a sound.
And if nothing is true,
we can build our own world...
Is it me, is it true?
Every word I utter, a lie.
Is it me, is it true?
(every word I utter, a lie)
Worthless, yeah, so are you.
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| Strange, the way I'm acting so alone |
[12 Jun 2007|09:35pm] |
From birth we are conditioned to need attention. Little babies getting adored and kissed, cooed over and "Oh, isn't she an angel?" And then 5-6 year olds running up to Mommy and Daddy with macaroni necklaces, learning to say, "Look what I made ALL by MYSELF!". Then school, children and teens demanding attention through lies and appearances that are drastic and obnoxious all just for the pure, raw attention it attracts. Somewhere between here and death, something settles, for some people I assume, where they don't need it. They don't want it, and they hate having it. Maybe it doesn't happen to everyone, I am sure some people will go through their whole lives striving for attention, and wanting all of it. Personally I could do without it. I've never been known to take compliments well, I never know what to say to people who like something about me. And I hate that I do/have get a lot of attention from a lot of people, I still don't get why I do. To me, I am annoying and awkward and I'd rather stay away from myself sometimes, if I could. And being pretty is pretty useless. But I do desire attention from some people, and almost thrive on it, sometimes. This worries me, scares me, and most of all, hurts me.
I end up wanting more than I can have. I start translating, "Oh, you're amazing" into "I would do whatever it takes to experience you." And maybe that's okay, with him. Maybe that's what he means. Lord knows he has said both of those things to me more than once. And unlike with a lot of other people, I appreciate his attention, I am grateful to have it and I consider myself lucky. Imagining thinking these things about HIM and getting none of it in return, I have no clue what I would do. It's sad to say I have become dependent again, but I don't regret it. People have told me this will make me stronger, and I sure as hell hope so. Or else, if this goes on forever, well... I don't think I could last long.
I've made so many leaps of faith in my life. Made so many close escapes from holes I could barely dig myself out of. And as dramatic as it sounds, defied death more than once. I've drugged myself up til I was talking and had no clue what I was saying, just words I knew coming out in random order, making me even more confused. I've fallen so hard for people that I could not get up for weeks, figuratively and literally. I've put myself in positions that no smart person would ever get into, even though I knew better, and just didn't care. I've had my heart broken and broken hearts, more than I can count on two hands. And after all this, all the drama and drugs and depression and desperation, I built myself anew, found a faith that truly showed me what I was meant to believe in til the end, and give me hope for the present. And this? None of this is important in this case, it's my shit past and it'll stay that way. For now, I have a faith that rarely helps me anymore and this breaks my heart. I don't know why. I forget to pray, forget to talk to God, forget to remember that someone is there with me in times when I feel like sleeping for weeks on end and I can barely get out of bed.
And I am questioning someone who has never made a leap of faith, never tested their limits and gotten close to the edge. And why they can't do it now, after all these years of safe seclusion. Is this selfish of me? Because I have led a disastrous, sometimes dangerous, stupid, and also beautiful, exciting life full of learning. And it's easy for me to say I'd take a leap, and just as easy for me to do it. But for someone who doesn't know what "new" tastes like? I'm questioning why they wouldn't do it, but it's not their fault they haven't lived a shitty life and made a bunch of wrong choices. I am glad he hasn't. I wouldn't want him to have to go through that. So am I selfish for asking him to change his world for me?
Admittedly I haven't changed mine, per se, for him. Yet. Not physically. But my mood has changed, my attitude, my social qualities, my energy, my thought flow, everything else has changed. I can't lie to people anymore, and I guess that is for the best, except when it hurts them. I can't do anything I don't want to do, even if it makes others unhappy. I have trouble holding my tongue because I don't see reasoning behind sugar-coating anything; we're all adults now and it's not like sugar-coating helps. And lord knows if anyone does it to me, it's still not enough to make me feel better, so what's it matter? Everything about me has changed for him, without me trying, except my geographical location. My friends think of me as temporary, my parents think of me as if I am about to disappear and never come back, and I don't even feel like this is a permanent thing, this life I am living now. But I know it will be for awhile, unless he takes this leap.
Because I will be around for quite some time if he doesn't, and I can't help that. It's money, it's my mother, it's work, it's responsibility. I have things to leave, if I do, and he doesn't for the time being. Just his family, who he hates. And I'm willing to leave this, because I want to start fresh, too. Doesn't everyone? But I can't yet, and well. I'm stuck like this for awhile, and so is he. Unless he leaps. Unless he jumps. Unless he changes.
But he won't, he's stuck in his mindset, logical to the fucking bone. Well I am too. But mine makes sense. I sound spiteful, angry. I'm not really. I'm frustrated, confused, heartbroken, and I don't know what to do other than push this option. But I won't. I won't talk about it. He keeps bringing it up and it breaks me down so bad, because the answer is always the same. "I can't." but he brings it up. He wants to talk about it, coz it's 'all that's on his mind', well fuck. Does he really think anything else is on my mind? How could he think that anything else clouds over this idea even in the slightest? I don't even know how, but this is the only thing I ever think about. When I am around anyone else, talking about anything else, doing anything unrelated, it doesn't matter. It's there. Everything I do is with him in mind. And he thinks that I don't think about it enough? It keeps me awake at night. It zones me out at work. It keeps me playing games from 5pm to 11pm just so I can forget how bad this fucking hurts me.
And now that he has no responsibilities, I find myself being left alone more and more. And I can't bring myself to do anything else, on the chance that he will come back a little early and I will get a few more hours with him. And I don't want to do anything else. I'm impatient as fuck, but devoted til the end. I guess it's a tragic flaw, dependable even if it tears me a new one. Which it has.
There's so much love and no one to give it to. Just so fucking much.
I am sick of this life. Honestly.
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| Hello. |
[09 Jun 2007|11:57pm] |
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mood |
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Exhausted |
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music |
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The Devil Wears Prada - Dogs Can Grow Beards All Over |
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I've been in a really bad mood the past couple of days, and sick. But I think things are going okay. Not really anything new to talk about other than a new laptop that I got for finally graduating! And Jeff is probably coming to visit soon :D so things are good. I hope he gets to come here, really really. And I need to pray for that, and for everything, because I haven't; my faith has kind of slipped from me as of late and that's all wrong.
But really I am tired, and glad I don't work tomorrow. I am wasting my time on Youtube for now and leveling on WoW and keeping life as simple as I can. Although most times it doesn't work. Hope you're all good...
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| PS. |
[05 Jun 2007|10:51am] |
Listen to Killola.
And listen to Lady Sovereign.
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| I used to obsess over living, now I only obsess over you |
[18 May 2007|09:32pm] |
Weekends are slow and delicately irritating. I am looking forward to Sunday just because I can sleep in a little, and no one likes work so days off are nice.
Really life is not much right now. Wendie got me into Fall Out Boy again with her recent rendezvous with Mr. Wentz. Hahaha. Oh boy, I love Wendie, she's magical. Really. But their lyrics are good and guldernit. I can't help but love good lyrics.
Anddddd, well. I dunno. Melo is the place to be.
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iemiem's journal